I don’t often have introspective moments, but I’m having one now. I’m sitting here, listening to Katy Perry, headphones on, chatting to friends on IRC, discussing whether I should show an old poem/verse of mine to a friend who has lost her Nan last week.
The last thing I want to do is upset her, but I printed it out to perhaps show her how I felt all those years ago. I don’t know if she’s lost someone close to her before, and perhaps doesn’t know how to cope with it. She’s nearly 30, I was 9 when my Grandad died.
My friends on IRC are right when they say I shouldn’t show it to her. One of them is also spot on when they say that the poem looks contrived in the first part, as though I was trying to force the half-rhymes, whereas my memories took over in the second half. Both parts are genuine though, so I won’t be re-writing it. A lot of my poetry seems to go like that. Some are better than others, but the introspective ones end up more as a flow of words, than structured into any of the traditional poetry formats.
I’m very fortunate really, and my Grandad is the only person in my family or close friends I’ve lost. Thinking about how I would feel though, makes me sad, and something inside of me is trying to get kicked for me to be a better person or something. I don’t consider myself a bad person overall, but could I have done more?
I’ve literally just received a Twitter message from another friend – it seems to highlight one area I could do more on. I’m so lacking in self-discipline. That is most definitely my major weakness sometimes. I have lots of thoughts to do nice things for people, but they never get done.
The songs have changed several times in writing this, and the down moment has passed. I don’t mind having those moments – I get to look at me. The above was written as I thought it, and like the poetry, I’m not willing to re-write it. It’s raw, exactly how feelings should be.
All I can do next week for me friend who lost her Nan, is to listen, make tea, give hugs and pass tissues as and when needed. Who knows, she might be fine with it all – I’ve only known her for a few months.
I need more down time – it helps me write.