Having not spoken to my former colleagues for various reason since I left to move abroad, I’ve only just found out that one of them has since died. “S” was a manager at the prison who I respected deeply, and whose calming persona and mannerisms were just what the role needed. He was very articulate and the type of person you could rely on, if given enough nudges. I never saw him do outright teaching, but I saw how he interacted with prisoners, and I dealt with him on a personal level as well as in meetings.

Oh how the mighty fall.

S was arrested a year ago having assaulted his wife who’d had an affair. He later breached a bail condition, became a voluntary patient at a mental health unit, and later, in the spring of 2008, committed suicide.

There are two quotes reported by journalists that stick with me. S apparently said to his daughter “You know what will happen now – this is Armageddon”. The over-the-top statement seems a little out of character from what I remember of S, but then this whole series of events do too. Perhaps he knew what sort of trouble he was in, even in his seemingly disturbed state of mind.

The other quote was by his wife, who having been told that S had been found dead, replied that “we were kind of expecting this”. More than likely she knew how out of character S had been over the last few months, compared to their 27 years of marriage, but surely you don’t expect someone to commit suicide? Not without doing everything in your powers to stop them.

S had lost his job, his marriage, shamed to his peers by the newspaper reports, and the perfectionist within him wouldn’t allow that. I don’t think he was given a custodial sentence even being found guilty of the assault, but perhaps he knew that he was likely to do something that would ultimately warrant a term inside, and having worked there, knew that he wouldn’t cope, especially as he knew people in most prisons in the area, on both side of the bars.

The coronor returned an open verdict on his death, though I can’t see how it could be anything other than suicide. Hanging from a tree with no evidence of anyone else being involved, leaves little scope for discussion.

I don’t know the full story, his family, or how the events really unfolded, and it’s not my place to start attacked people for what they should or should not have done. Ironically though, S was on the welfare and negotiation team for when major incidents happen in the prison – it seems no-one could do the same for him.

My former colleagues were obviously very distraught at the time, and one of my good friends, L, who worked closely with S has since left to work elsewhere. I know that she would have taken this very hard. You all have my thoughts.

In a mannerism that those who knew S would recognise: “Question. What went wrong and what can we learn from this?”

I don’t often have introspective moments, but I’m having one now. I’m sitting here, listening to Katy Perry, headphones on, chatting to friends on IRC, discussing whether I should show an old poem/verse of mine to a friend who has lost her Nan last week.

The last thing I want to do is upset her, but I printed it out to perhaps show her how I felt all those years ago. I don’t know if she’s lost someone close to her before, and perhaps doesn’t know how to cope with it. She’s nearly 30, I was 9 when my Grandad died.

My friends on IRC are right when they say I shouldn’t show it to her. One of them is also spot on when they say that the poem looks contrived in the first part, as though I was trying to force the half-rhymes, whereas my memories took over in the second half. Both parts are genuine though, so I won’t be re-writing it. A lot of my poetry seems to go like that. Some are better than others, but the introspective ones end up more as a flow of words, than structured into any of the traditional poetry formats.

I’m very fortunate really, and my Grandad is the only person in my family or close friends I’ve lost. Thinking about how I would feel though, makes me sad, and something inside of me is trying to get kicked for me to be a better person or something. I don’t consider myself a bad person overall, but could I have done more?

I’ve literally just received a Twitter message from another friend – it seems to highlight one area I could do more on. I’m so lacking in self-discipline. That is most definitely my major weakness sometimes. I have lots of thoughts to do nice things for people, but they never get done.

The songs have changed several times in writing this, and the down moment has passed. I don’t mind having those moments – I get to look at me. The above was written as I thought it, and like the poetry, I’m not willing to re-write it. It’s raw, exactly how feelings should be.

All I can do next week for me friend who lost her Nan, is to listen, make tea, give hugs and pass tissues as and when needed. Who knows, she might be fine with it all – I’ve only known her for a few months.

I need more down time – it helps me write.